The parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system which mediates sexual arousal, induces such responses
as pupillary dilation. When two people look at each other at the same moment, and both sets of pupils dilate, the result is
what some people refer to as "love at first sight." We're reacting to the reaction of the other person, as well as to our
own reaction to them.
Humans, particularly females, react strongly to the sense of touch. The outer covering of skin is our body's
largest "part." Skin makes up about 15% of the body's weight, and occupies some 21 square feet of surface area. Being touched
by someone lowers blood pressure, releases endorphins (the brain's equivalent of opium), and causes many other strongly positive
reactions. One report of touch deprived women revealed that only a tiny percent had ever had an orgasm.
Taken together, all of these responses lead to sexual attraction, which affects our emotions, which many
people translate as "love."
Yet, humans, besides being rather sophisticated members of the animal kingdom, are also rational and rationalizing
beings. True, at times our emotions can completely eliminate rational thought, but most people can, with a bit of practice,
overrule their emotions and make rational decisions.
Everyone who has been married, or has been in a long-term relationship, has had moments when they were so
angry at the other that they began to question whether they truly "loved" the other person anymore. Where were all those feelings
they had when the relationship was young? What happened to that pit of the stomach, semi-dizzy, giddy euphoria?
It's at these points when we need to come to the realization that "feelings" are great, but the real test
of love is when the pressure's on and everything seems to be going to hell in a hand basket. This is when we need to remember
that love is a decision even more than it is a set of feelings. Sometimes we need to call upon our rational natures, overrule
our feelings, and decide to love the other.
In a classic "which came first" question, most people would protest that "love should come first," then the
mind will follow. What people mean by this is that feelings of being "in love" should come before we decide that we're in
love with another person, a kind of "engage feelings before putting mind in gear." Unfortunately this approach doesn't have
a very good track record. When we allow our feelings to dictate our reactions to other people, we wind up on an emotional
roller coaster, falling in and out of "love" with alarming regularity.
That's why love is a decision, not "pheromonal attraction," not "two sets of pupils dilating at the same
time," and not "I love how you touch me!" When we realize this, we can decide, indeed must decide, sometimes as often as moment
to moment, that "yes, I choose to love this person." Put another way: "engage brain before putting emotions in gear!"
If you enjoyed this essay, you'll probably also enjoy "Is Someone You Know a 'Relationship Terrorist?'
," and Relationship Tips.
